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The Worst Days Ch. 06

Isn t this going to get you killed? I exclaimed incredulous.



We were in the study Fen had some work to do and had hopped out of bed like nothing had happened. What is this running away this emotional breakdown this spectacular sex of which you speak? Never heard of it. I trailed after him not ready to let him brush me off just yet.



Fen s expression was wry. Is that synonymous with thanks?



I couldn t think straight. Going home? I was ecstatic—after all this is what I had been hoping for since I got snatched in the first place. There was however some new part of me that was suddenly desperate that said not yet.



I didn t say anything for a moment. What was wrong with me? My wife s heart had just stopped and I had nearly gotten myself killed in my efforts to get to her. Not two hours later I was ready to cling to Fen s ankles until he pried my damn fingers loose. How long had I known Fen—two maybe three weeks? The gods had to be laughing at me.



What are we going to do just waltz up and cross the border? I asked throwing my arms wide. You re going to get us both killed.



Fen s eyes were focused on the computer screen (I still couldn t believe I had thought they were grey all this time). The area to which we will go will be clear I ll make sure of that he said fingers flying over the keyboard as he spoke. There are a lot of people looking for you. I will let my superiors know where you will be and they will send a squadron to retrieve you. You will be fine. I ll need to go quite a bit higher than ground troops for assistance. They aren t supposed to know my identity.



My eyebrows rose. Are you telling me in an extremely irritating roundabout manner you re a spy? I asked. As in secret missions high tech gadgetry scantily clad women hopping in and out of your bed with guns strapped to their panties devil-may-care attitude? Like a spy spy?



He glanced at me over the desk an exasperated huff ruining his stony expression. If you want to romanticize my position in an extremely irritating manner then yes. I told you that a Lomagnian bought me?



I nodded.



He didn t use me Tam he trained me. I ve been undercover for over half my life.



I was already reeling from the possibility of going home so Fen admitting his spyhood didn t faze me as much as it should have. Figures. I should have been angry that he had been working for the Lomagnian government this whole time but my lingering post-sex afterglow rendered me much more understanding. It also helped to realize that Fen had insecurities too and getting angry with him wasn t going to help. I supposed considering things from the Lomagnian perspective that it would have been a little difficult to launch a full-scale invasion simply to extract a mostly-useless celebrity from the perfectly safe clutches of a trusted secret agent or whatever the hell Fen was called. I wondered if the people to whom he answered even knew that Fen had me.



They didn t until yesterday Fen answered my thoughts. I had to let them know when you left.



Was I talking out loud?



He shook his head amusement tilting one corner of his mouth. You had an expression of—



Expression this I said giving him a rude hand gesture. Damn my open countenance. I would never be a spy. So how is this grandiose plan of yours going to work? Black spandex some fancy rappelling and throwing stars? A series of tunnels dug out with soupspoons and a broken dinner plate all the way to the border? Giant catapult? How far are we from the border anyway?



Fen didn t bat an eyelash. If I told you I d have to—



Fine Super Spy. I held up my hands in surrender. Don t tell me.



When we leave it will be an overnight trip. Prepare to leave in a hurry. Pack your toothbrush and throwing stars.



I rolled my eyes. So what s going to happen to the Cupps and the guards? Are they just going to wait for you? Do I say goodbye?



Fen shook his head slowly finally taking his eyes from the computer to meet mine. After I found you yesterday I told the staff that I am sending them on an extended paid vacation to Calterra with their families and that I provided them with bonuses.



I frowned at him. Yeah fine I was an idiot to go running off like I did. Lay off me.. Fen certainly had been busy between the time he figured out where I was and when he threw my ass into his hovercar.



You really can t tell anyone? I asked. They won t even know they re out of jobs? Nitkis can t get jobs anywhere else. Even I knew that. Nobody but fellow Nitkis liked Nitkis.



My contacts in Calterra will arranged for employment if they so desire it but it won t be necessary Fen explained.



I don t get it. That was a lie. I thought I did but I wanted Fen to be straight with me.



He gave me one of those looks that told me he knew what I was thinking but acquiesced. I m sending their whole families whomever they please. I will tell them that they can access their bonuses through Calterran bank accounts he explained. Each member of my staff will find more than enough funds to keep live comfortably and to provide for their clans for a few generations.



I raised my eyebrows. In other words Mr. and Mrs. Cupps Hal and Dill and their dogs (and the other guard whose name was really hard to pronounce and was only present on special occasions) and their children and their children s children and their children s children s children were all going to be set for life courtesy of Fenton White.



When do they leave? I asked.



They re coming by tomorrow to get their tickets and the vouchers for their families. I am unsure when they will be leaving the country but the vouchers are void after a week.



So I did have time to say goodbye even if it wasn t an honest farewell. Do you think they ll be ready to get their entire families together in only a week?



Fen shrugged. There s a holiday coming up so it would make sense for them to go. This isn t the first time I ve done this so I expect they will have little trouble. My contacts will however make sure that their families exit the country in a timely fashion.



What is a timely fashion?



Two weeks.



But why— I started.



I cannot tell you anymore than that Fen interrupted. Say your goodbyes but nothing more.



Frustratingly that was the end of it. The next day Mrs. Cupps gave me a huge hug and told me that she would send me vidposts (something I thought only my grandmother still did). I shook hands with the rest. It was odd to see them go these people to whom I had become so accustomed in so little time. Mrs. Cupps had been my matronly figure for the past couple weeks and my only friend aside from Fen. It was hard not to say anything revealing while she chattered excitedly about souvenirs she was going to bring back for me.



Fen was his usual stoic self but he did give Gloria a hug which made her cry which the buzz indicated made him uncomfortable.



Take care of yourselves was the most demonstrative sentence that came out of his mouth. I was tempted to tell them exactly what that meant but the buzz nipped me every time I opened my mouth. I almost wondered if Fen had somehow learned how to control it.



With all the staff gone we had no one else with which to interact just the two of us in the giant house both of us tense and irritable. I was nervous all week and restless and spent a lot of my time wondering what I was going to tell my family. Fen was wound tighter than I was he would spend long hours at his computer typing what looked like jibberish and making furtive phone calls that I was not allowed to overhear. The buzz was stiff like an old rubber band stretched to its breaking point and itched and pinched at the top of my spine.



It translated as a lot of sex. A lot. It didn t take much we d brush past each other in the kitchen and there d be—something—that would spark and flare and end with my back against the wall Fen s hands gripping my buttocks while he plundered my ass our food forgotten. There was the time when I was walking up the stairs and Fen suddenly appeared behind me and yanked my pants down. I almost turned around and shoved the bastard down the damn stairs but twenty-three gods it felt too good for me to do anything but hand on to the banister and moan. It hurt my knees like a bitch but I learned that I liked having Fen stretched over my back his teeth imbeded my shoulder and his arms wrapped around my stomach. Or he d be at his desk a slight crease between his brows as his fingers tapped a furious tattoo on the keyboard the buzz tight in my neck. I d get the urge to turn the tension into something loose carnal. Fen would ignore me at first working away until finally his hands would come to my head and his mouth would fall open. He d curl around me his body would tremble his thighs quaking as my throat worked.



We wrestled a lot sometimes I won though that was usually because Fen would pull out is martial arts moves and almost kill me then back off and leave himself open. Or maybe it wasn t an accident he knew I was likely to get aroused and liked to let me feel dominant. Either way wrestling was more likely to end in sex than for one of us to admit defeat. We played too dirty for anything else. I had teeth imprints around my nipple for two days.



It was funny how quickly I got used to being yanked onto a couch or into a bedroom. There was a sense of urgency that affected us both that left scratches and bite marks and bruises that tore clothes and pulled hair. Desperation colored everything we did knowing our time was running out.



We didn t talk much since Fen had to be all super secret master spy and took his job too seriously to allow me to weasel details from him. I was back to wondering what the hell I was going to say to my family rehearsing versions of these past few weeks that would be safe. I worked out a lot mostly to kill time and to concentrate on something aside from the uncertain future.



I had just come in from a run when I found Fen in the conservatory feeding the pond fish. I had had a good run and decided to ignore the tightness of the buzz in my neck.



What are you thinking right now? I asked jovially slapping his back.



Fen sprinkled the last bit of food into the water. These fish are going to die.



You could let them go I suggested. They re native right? Fish aren t like dogs. They won t have any trouble finding food.



Fen nodded his gaze fixed to the shimmer of light on scales. The tension didn t ease and was getting to me. I never said it formally but I apologize for buying you at the auction house.



You had better not be telling me you regret all this I thought angrily suddenly feeling like a kicked puppy.



Don t I replied tightly. Just don t. I already had enough issues to deal with I didn t need Fen to start regretting this whole situation. I had accepted it why couldn t he?



He stuck his hands in his pockets. You are allowed to be angry with me you know.



Well now I am angry I told him socking him in the shoulder. I m angry because I told you already that I m glad it was you and not someone else. I m glad it was someone I could learn to like someone I could— just say it Tam —er care about. It s not your fault that I m still here. It would have been really stupid to try and convince the Lomagnian government to go on the offensive simply for one man.



Fen shrugged. I could have told them I had you.



Well you have now. You didn t know who I was when you bought me.



I—



For fuck s sake Fen! I exploded. I wanted to shake him until his teeth rattled. Get over yourself. You were just doing a damn good job of fitting in with Nitki culture and got great ass in the bargain. I absolve you.



The buzz tangled into a knot telling me he was growing irritated so I let him talk my arms crossed.



He spoke slowly and clearly. Morally speaking Tam I am compelled to apologize for purchasing human life and enforcing the accompanying protocol. The outcome for all intensive purposes is irrelevant. Buying you buying anyone is wrong.



Well that took the wind out of my sails. I realized that I had been afraid that he could turn his feelings whatever they were on and off as fast as he could his facial expressions. I tried to adopt a nicer tone. I don t want you to feel guilty for— I almost said for loving me —letting yourself enjoy having me around. I mean you knew what I would have been up against if you hadn t bought me so you did the right thing. Like when the Lomagnian guy bought you.



Fen said nothing.



Yes you re usually an asshole and sure I have regrets I said but meeting you isn t one of them. Well that was as close to touchy-feely as I was going to get. It was the longest emotion-based speech I d made since proposing to Juniper.



The buzz unwound a little. Go find a bucket Fen said. We ll put the fish in the creek.



The fish in hindsight were the last step before the mad rush to the border. Maybe it was Fen s cathartic release or something similarly poetic. Either way it was barely after sunset and I was scavenging food in the kitchen when Fen came to find me.



Let s go he said tersely then turned on his heel and headed out the way he came. I followed to the garage silently. His expression was no different than usual—about as open as a safe—but the buzz in my neck was sharp and bubbly an almost unpleasant sensation that meant he was unsure of something.



The hovercar was running and my light pack was in the backseat. I figured Fen s spy stuff was probably stashed in the trunk along with the skulls of his enemies. For a moment I hesitated to get in it felt monumental the beginning of the end.



Come on Fen ordered. I got in.



We pulled out of the garage and sailed out the gate clouds gathering overhead and blocking the moon. There was something off about the scenery something that didn t quite ring true about what it should have looked like to drive through the countryside. It was so dark.



What s going on with all the lights? Is there a blackout? I asked mostly to fill the silence.



Only in certain areas. Hospitals shelters civilian homes those all have basic power. Government buildings all media and all communication are down. Transportation will be down too since no one will be able to pump fuel.



If communication and media is down how do you know?



Fen glanced at me. It s strategy. Lomagnia is less heartless than Nitkistan so there are some areas where power still exists where it s needed.



He still hadn t answered my question. If media shit is down how will you know where we re supposed to be going?



The coordinates were sent yesterday.



What if they change?



My phone works.



Why just yours? I felt like a precocious annoying child but I hated all this covert shit. I wished he would just tell me what the fuck was going on.



Fen seemed unperturbed by my incessant questions. My phone is protected against the virus that attacked the visicommunication.



So a virus is causing a power media and communications outages? I was impressed. Why not power outages for hospitals and such? How does a virus know the difference?



It has to do with security systems. Nowadays they are all integrated so the same system that opens doors also protects internet turns on lights etcetera. All systems have a backup so that is something fails the system is coded to at least be self-sufficient as in the case of hospital Fen explained smoothly. They ll be able to communicate within themselves but they won t be able to call outside of the hospital.



I thought I was beginning to understand. What about internal backup for the government the army all that shit?



It s coded into the system whether or not it s civilian.



And Fen supplied the government s security systems which was how he became so sickeningly wealthy and influential and perfect secret operative material.



Did you create the virus too? I asked.



One corner of his mouth turned up. Holy McFuckerson. I supposed I d be a smug bastard too if I had single-handedly brought a country to its knees.



But what about backup generators? I asked. Those hadn t been used since before I was born but I figured every government had to have them. And what about your hovercar?



Fen shrugged. They have to somehow connect them to the devices they want to run he explained. The virus will spread. My vehicle is a Quinnish prototype and is mostly powered by solar cells.



I sat back in my seat watching the headlights illuminate the road stretching ahead of us. You re an evil genius.



Thereabouts.



Well the surprises never ended. Our conversation quickly did though because there were too many things that we didn t want to discuss.



It was hours before we stopped mid-autumn frost covering everything that didn t move. A little motel on the side of the road blinked its vacancies at the night.



Wait here Fen said as the hovercar coasted to a stop in front of the office.



I chafed my hands together not because I was cold but because I was getting so antsy. What now? I asked myself. I didn t know whether to spend the night mentally preparing to meet my wife and family the next day or whether to wear myself out with Fen. I let out a heavy breath watching the vapor condense on the windshield. Whatever I chose to do I wasn t going to get any sleep.



Fen emerged a moment later with the room key and beckoned me to follow him to the suite our breath foggy in the cold. His head was bent to the cold the buzz was tight again.



Hurry up and unlock the damn door I grumbled. My dick s going to turn into an icicle.



Fen shook his head at me still tense and I decided then that I was going to make the most of my last night with him. I was on him the instant he pushed the door shut. My hands were roaming everywhere underneath his shirt pulling at his hair down to cup his buttocks. His tongue was hot and slippery against mine his breathing fast.



I can t he said. The medics will—.



Fuck the medics.



I don t want you to have to explain he said his head falling to my shoulder as my hands roamed into his underwear. The back of my neck was tingling.



I wasn t so easily discouraged. I ll tell them I ve been constipated or something.



Fen laughed. That is disgusting.



Fen. I took his head in my hands. He looked down at me his storm cloud eyes troubled his expression giving nothing away. Fen please. I just want one last time.



Fen looked at me for a moment then thrust the fingers of one hand into the front of my jeans the other lifting my shirt over my head. Wordlessly he backed me up against the bed laying me down as if I were going to break in his arms his hand behind my head. He pulled his shirt off his muscles rippling in the dim light.



For a moment we simply stared at each other the tension palpable in the air. Fen s brows were knotted slightly as if something were puzzling him.



You had better not be having second thoughts I warned him. I refuse blue balls.



A corner of his mouth quirked and the tension eased. I didn t bring oil Tam.



I sat up and grabbed my bag. You re an idiot I declared as I tossed a bottle of oil to him. You re not prepared for anything.



Fen threw the bottle back at my head. I thought you d have your mind on other things.



I glared at him as I unbuttoned my jeans. I knew what those other things were. Yes I was eager to get back to my wife but I wasn t going to squander my last moments with him.

Get busy I ordered.



Fen shrugged and finished undressing himself clearly amused. I let him tug my jeans and underwear off and yanked him on top of me. His mouth brushed mine gently before his tongue traced the seam of my lips. I think I moaned a little bit because he smiled against me as his fingers traced the muscles up and down my sides. He popped the cap off the oil and poured it generously on my stomach.



I propped myself up on my elbows to watch as Fen carefully massaged the oil into my stomach and pecs which was incredibly relaxing then smeared the excess over my cock and anus. Warmth followed everywhere he touched and a deep thrum imbued my senses as I watched Fen watch my body flex toward him helplessly.



He grabbed a pillow and placed it under my lower back before slowly gently spearing two fingers into me watching my face the whole time. Fen s expression was awfully close to self-satisfaction when I couldn t keep my hips still.



Oh gods I groaned my head falling onto the pillow. I don t know how he learned to find a prostate so quickly but I blessed his knowledge. My cock was dribbling iron-stiff growing redder with every thrust of Fen s fingers in my ass.



Fen smiled at me I almost didn t catch it before he bent his head to my cock. He sank onto it slowly delineating every vein every curve his exhalations heating my skin. I couldn t keep my hands from his head not to push him further but just to touch him. He twisted the fingers inside me and beat a gentle cadence on my prostate. I couldn t catch my breath enough to say his name but it resounded in my body with every warm throb that connected me to him.



It was glorious torture to have him swallowing my cock his throat and tongue and lips tracing and tickling and nibbling everywhere. Fen was focused intent and I was a lucky bastard that all his focus was on me and my dick. He was going slowly so slowly his fingers still stretching me open. I was putty in his hands my senses pulled down and out of my body dependent on his touch.



Just as I was about to come Fen pulled away and sat back on his heels which left me gasping and choking with need.



You fucking bastard I gritted out. Damn you to the bowels of hell.



I could have come all I had to do was touch myself but I didn t. I waited for Fen to touch me to send me over the edge and he knew it. Fen wasn t smirking outright but the throbbing in my body did it for him. Only that and the oaken erection gave any clue as to what he was thinking.



I became impatient when Fen didn t move and so reached out and wrapped a hand in his hair. He grinned then his eyes no less bright than his smile and let me pull him on top of me. Fen hooked my left leg over his elbow and pressed himself against me until I opened up and he sank inside briefly closing his eyes as he slid slowly into the hilt. I nearly bit my tongue in two it hurt so much. Twenty-three gods but it was good.



We stayed like this for a moment frozen in that moment of ecstasy and agony while Fen let me get used to his length and girth. Panting clenching my teeth against the sweet pain of his entrance I suddenly asked Why do we always fuck like this face-to-face?



Fen let my leg go and opened his eyes. Why do you ask?



I shrugged. I had always thought man sex was strictly doggie style before.



Fen s face screwed up for a moment as though he was trying not to laugh at me then he broke into a grin. Would you prefer it otherwise?



I shook my head as he began to move in me. My hands came up to wrap around his biceps as I watched the muscles of his abdomen flex. It was a chain reaction—his lower half would ripple when he thrust then mine would tighten when I rose to meet him.



I need to watch your face Fen said. It says everything you don t want to.



I lifted my eyes to see his boring down on me their intensity untempered by his smile. I raised my head and kissed him just because I could and felt his tongue flick the edges of my lips. Our bodies stilled as I let him in then pushed my tongue into his mouth. I wondered if somehow my body had known back when Fen wouldn t kiss me that he was so good at this.



Move I finally urged more of a prayer than a command and Fen did. He moved slowly gently wrapping himself around me. He was whispering to me in Elian and I couldn t understand a word but it was a sweet serenade in my ears. Hot liquid thrummed in my veins bubbling under Fen s touch he consumed me from the inside out.



My senses were overwhelmed I could taste Fen every time I opened my mouth brushing his skin his lips his tongue. I dug my heels into his buttocks urging him to pound and pound into me I could feel him in my chest he drifted a hand up to my cock and teased me not stroking hard or fast enough to make me come but keeping me on the verge until I cursed and pleaded with him. Fen s hair brushed my forehead damp with our mingling sweat his eyes had darkened with lust his breath was hot on my face and neck.



When I came—and it was glorious my spine arching my arms wrapped around Fen s head my toes curling into the bedsheets white hot geysering from my cock the ends of my hair my fingertips and toes my whole body throbbing—I didn t see stars I didn t see the heavens. I just saw Fen. His eyes were bright lit from within. For that brief moment I saw Fen stripped of all his barricades I saw all those things he hadn t wanted me to see and he let me in.



I didn t say anything I didn t have to when he crashed into me and I to him and we tumbled together into a near-blinding ecstasy that illuminated the darkest secrets within. Love you love you love you. Thunder crashed outside and it began to rain.



It was still dark when Fen shook my shoulder the next morning.



Get up he said. We need to leave in fifteen minutes.



Mmph. I curled into a ball and buried my head further into the pillow.



Not a second later the covers were cruelly yanked from my body and I heard a whistling before something stung me on the ass.



Holy fucking fuck! I yelped leaping out of the bed. I rubbed the sore spot as Fen flipped his towel back over his shoulder. I hate you.



Brush your teeth. You can sleep in the hovercar.



Grumpy I did as commanded but once on the road I found I couldn t go back to sleep. Rain pounded heavy on the car the sky was oppressive mood-dampening.



How much farther? I asked after a while.



A few hours. It will be afternoon before we reach our destination.



My stomach was turning over and over. I was finally going home back to my loved ones but I was leaving one behind. If I never saw Fen again what would this time have meant? Would I look back on it as the foolish experimentation of youth or shake my head fondly and wonder what that old Fen was up to these days? Would I ever get over him?



Fuck I said softly watching the road roll past. This was the worst road trip ever. Fen glanced over at me and again the tingling in my neck told me he was uncomfortable. What happens once I m gone?



Fen s look said What do you mean by that? which was what I was asking myself but he answered safely. I have a few more missions to complete before I can fully claim amnesty.



Short missions or long missions?



Long.



In other words it would be a while before I heard from him assuming he got through all this alive. My heart hurt I was developing a headache. I closed my eyes and did not open them again until the hovercar stopped.



We were in the woods probably the Red Forest that bordered Lomagnia. Fen got out of the hovercar without a word and beckoned me to follow him. It was raining hard enough that I had to squint my eyes just to see his back as he weaved through the underbrush.



This is it Fen announced his voice muted by the rain. We were on the edge of a clearing large enough for a couple helicopters to land which I guessed was how I was going to be retrieved.



Fen s hair was slicked to his skull barely curling at the nape of his neck. I could see every ridge of muscle underneath his shirt he had goosebumps why hadn t we worn coats?



Is this it? I asked my throat closing.



Fen turned to me the hum flaring when he grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me to him. He pulled my shirt from my pants and fanned his hands over the ridges of my abdomen as his tongue invaded my mouth. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed tight savoring every bit of contact. Our skin was hot despite the chill of autumn rain.



I think I m going to miss you Fen said against my lips. I could taste salt with the rain at least one of us was crying but I couldn t tell whom.



You need to get out of here while you can I reminded him but I didn t let go.



Fen pulled back and looked into my eyes. He tried to smile. Under other circumstances maybe you and I—



The sound of choppers stopped whatever he had been about to say. We both looked to the tree line. Get out of here Fen I ordered roughly pushing him away. It was so hard to let go.



Say hello to the wife and kids for me whenever the kids show up he said.



I mustered up a smile. Yeah you should stop by when you get the chance. No need to call ahead. My heart ached like it was going to melt in my chest.



See you then he responded and disappeared into the woods.



I wanted to kick myself. What a pathetic way to tell him how much I loved him. The choppers got louder and I fired a flare to let them know where I was. Lomagnian soldiers were hopping out the machines before they had touched the ground. I was hustled onto the vehicle and we took off almost immediately the doors weren t even shut yet.



Tamlin Shay? the medic asked as I was strapped in and given a helmet. I nodded. I couldn t see anything through the rain but I wanted so badly to know that Fen was going to be safe. I was shivering violently.



The medic bent down until he was looking in my face. We ll need to do a full physical as well as blood tests rape kits etcetera.



His voice was so gentle that I wondered if I looked as awful as I felt. I just nodded.



We re taking you to the Refugee Recover Center he told me. Your family is waiting for you.



I tried to smile my stomach in knots. Was I ready to face my family yet? I supposed it didn t matter now it was inevitable.



I was so tired that I felt my head would roll off if I nodded anymore. I wondered again how I looked if people were going to see pictures of me and shake their heads muttering about the once-great Tamlin Shay.



I turned to the medic. I want a bath a toothbrush and a nap before I see my family.



He clearly wanted to protest but he showed me to the bathroom and a bunk. In the shower I washed away all traces of Fen unwilling to let the medics and psychologists draw their own conclusions about what happened to me in Nitkistan. There was a syndrome now that I thought about it where victims sympathized with or were attracted to their aggressors. Since my aggressor technically speaking was Almus Tobergus I decided that I didn t have a syndrome.



I told everyone the same story: I had been taken at the behest of a powerful slave trainer but an Elian national had intervened after my failed escape from an auction house. He saved me from a life that would have confirmed all the rumors about what happens to Lomagnians in Nitkistan. He did everything in his power to get me back to my family while maintaining a careful guise of master and slave. In a short time he became a good friend to me and I hope that wherever he is he s safe and well.



Later when I started answering questions from the media all the leading questions irritated me. No the guise did not include public rape. Yes he s the man with whom I was photographed during the space hockey game. No the collar wasn t charged. No I did not hit him because he was making inappropriate advances. He had obtained a news clip of my family for me and I was so upset that I swung at him when he tried to calm me down.



My family was waiting for me at the refugee center I felt Juniper s heart beating stronger the closer I got and it was as fast and anxious as mine. I could see the worry on everyone s faces dissipate as I walked through the doors toward them. Everyone was there—my brothers my sister my parents Juniper and her parents my nieces and nephews and a few cousins.



I suddenly forgot about what I had worried so much I was just so happy to see everyone. Juniper was in her fatigues and looked damned sexy even in her combat boots. Her chocolate hair was pulled into a severe bun at the back of her head she looked weary but no less beautiful than when I last saw her. Her face lit up as she separated from the pack to run at me.



I caught her up in my arms kissing her until we were both breathless. She was so real solid living and breathing in my arms. I knew other people were talking to me probably people I cared about but all I could see was my wife.



Finally I said surprised to hear the thickness of my voice.



Juniper wiped the moisture from my eyes with her thumbs. She was crying too but her smile illuminated the hallway. She kissed me soundly dangerously (I had to remind myself that both our sets of parents were watching) and rested her forehead against mine.



Oh Tam she breathed Tam I ve missed you.



The instant her grip loosened the rest of the clan was on me ruffling my hair pounding my back—I received enough bearhugs to rupture my damn spleen. I felt a little guilty about relating my family-friendly version of life with Fen but the gods knew they weren t ready for that especially with my nieces and nephews climbing all over me.



Three months. I had been gone for a grand total of three months one of which involved a drugged stupor while I was tested and transported to the auction house. Could I really have changed so much? I hugged Juniper tighter to me. Yes I could.



That first night it was technically our honeymoon I was doubly nervous now that I was no longer a virgin a part of me was afraid that I wasn t going to like hetero sex but by His Majesty s balls I was finally going to see my wife naked. My blood raced just thinking about it.



Juniper laughed at me when I whistled at her appreciatively. She was still in soldier mode uniform and all. We were at an old hotel located a few hours away from the border our families had graciously left us to ourselves and were stashed away in other rooms.



Are you ready for this? she asked teasingly her hands going to the buttons of her fatigues. My dick was almost instantly rock hard shouting yes yes I am! at my brain. Humming a tune that sounded an awful lot like polka Juniper slowly unbuttoned her top only to reveal the ugliest undershirt I had ever seen.



I burst out laughing. I ve missed you so much I told her.



She laughed then dropped her hands. Tam I m really nervous she confessed. Thank the gods I thought silently. The knots in my stomach unclenched a little.



Me too I said softly pulling her to me. I kissed her gently at first then so fervently she gasped and I remembered I wasn t supposed to know so much about how to kiss. I dropped my hands and stepped back my heart in my throat. Could she tell?



Juniper cocked her head. Is something bothering you? she asked gently. Yes she could tell. She always seemed to know what was on my mind. You seem to be hiding something and I think you want to tell me. I think you need to tell me.



I don t know I responded. That was bullshit she was right on the money. I just didn t want to tell her so soon. Of course it wasn t fair to her for me to keep shut until we d had sex. What kind of ass would I be in that case?



I think you left something behind there Juniper said softly and it was something or someone that you cared about a whole lot.



I hung my head. I don t want you to hate me or doubt how much I love you.



Jun pulled my head down and kissed me. I never have and I never will. Sit down and talk to me.



So I told her. Everything. She hugged me tighter when I told her about feeling her heart stop and told me that she had been hit in the chest with a high-powered rifle slug and though it didn t penetrate the body armor it did cause a cardiac arrest. Juniper listened and I knew that she was upset but she never let go of me.



And then I got picked up in the forest I finished unable to look her full in the face.



She was pressed to my side her chin on my shoulder. Oh gods she said softly. Her heartbeat was steady but painful. I felt like a complete shit.



Jun I m sorry— I began looking at my hands.



She lifted her chin. Shut up she ordered stiffly. Don t say anything. Just let me get used to this.



Logically speaking I knew I couldn t win an argument with sex. Juniper and I had fought before and nothing had ever been solved until we talked about it like rational adults. I was so desperate though to prove that I wasn t lying when I told her I loved her. Fen had told me that my expression said everything my mouth couldn t and had taught me how to communicate through touch.



Juniper just stared at me as I pressed her backwards on the bed my fingers clumsily removing her clothes. Everything was new and tentative I m not sure whose hands were shaking more. She felt perfect in my grasp the soft swell of her breast the satin of her skin against mine. When she finally shuddered against me she whimpered my name her hips cradling me gently while her nails dug scratches into my back. This was right.



I knew she whispered to me just before we fell asleep.



I kissed her shoulder marveling at the smooth skin. I didn t need to ask what to what she was referring. How?



You feel my heart beating. I sometimes get flashes of what you re thinking if the emotion is strong.



I propped my head on one hand and looked down on her a selkie in my bed. She had never told me this. So when did you know…



Juniper snuggled herself into my chest and stroked my back. I think before you did. I dreamt about this gorgeous man in a hammock beckoning you over and I think I knew then. Everything shimmered.



Yeah I mused into her hair I still thought I hated him then.



If I ever see Mr. White I m going to kiss him she murmured contentedly pressing her nose over my heart.



Really? Why?



Come on Tam she said with mock condescension. Everyone knows virgins usually don t orgasm their first time. You obviously learned something because that was amazing.



I couldn t recall a prouder moment in my life.



Down boy Juniper giggled. We have to get up early.



It was six months after the end of the war and my family was lighting fireworks in the street. Juniper and I had volunteered to host since we had the most spacious kitchen and largest lawn. I was sitting in the window-seat of our bedroom when I felt Juniper come in. She slid her arms around my neck and kissed me behind my right ear. You miss him don t you.



I swiveled in her grip and wrapped my arms around her waist. I had tried so hard not to dwell on Fen but sometimes I couldn t help but wonder about him.



How do you know? I meant it to come out lightly but I managed to sound like a whiner. I buried my face in her stomach. So soft.



You re not the only one with odd sixth senses you know I felt her chuckle. She stroked my hair.



I sighed. There s something wrong with me I muttered. I shifted backwards so I could pull her into my lap. Do I gross you out?



Jun ran her fingers through my hair thoughtfully. No she answered. I mean it s really weird from a logical sense. My husband got kidnapped and seduced by the man who bought him. And liked it a whole lot. Sure that s hard to wrap my brain around.

I m sorry I said earnestly. Talking about what had happened in Nitkistan was easier now but I still felt guilty that Juniper had been a virgin in every sense when we were reunited and I was not. Not only had I lost my virginity but I had done so with another man and then fallen in love with him.



Juniper kissed me softly then pulled back so I could see the moon reflected in her deep brown eyes. No don t apologize. I can feel you don t love me any less. I think your heart has expanded to make room for someone else. If anything I feel more appreciated.



That s pretty much what Fen said. I laughed a little at that. You have got to be the strangest jilted wife ever.



Juniper hit me lightly. I m serious. Did you ever apologize to him for being in love with me? I shook my head. I think there s just more room than there used to be. And I can see why you like him so much. I raised my eyebrow at her and she looked a little embarrassed.



You ve never met Fen White I pointed out.



She blushed red enough that I could see it in the moonlight. I know but well we ve dreamt about each other.



What? I stood up so fast that Juniper fell to the floor. You were dreaming about each other? How was I not aware of this? How long has this been going on?



I think he felt guilty that he had sex with my husband before I did Juniper said. As well he should have. I d kick his ass if I could. I didn t know what was going on between you two. And this probably started about a month after you were taken. I realized who he was when that photo of you two came out on the news with his black eye.



Twenty-three gods.



But I ll admit it he s any man or woman s wet dream she teased.



Holy fuck! I sat down on the bed. Did he know who you were?



I think he knew before I told him she answered because he was awfully respectful and not sexual. Not the type of encounter I usually dream about.



What type of encounter do you usually dream about? I asked.



Juniper flashed me a cheeky grin. The kind you and I usually meet in.



The amazing naked sex ones?



The very same.



Well it s nice to know I wasn t the only one moaning in my sleep I grinned. I paused thoughtfully. Wait does that mean we actually had sex before we got married then? Because I had amazing naked sex dreams with you way before I even proposed.



Juniper laughed and pounced on me. I caught her by the waist and kissed her savoring the berry softness of her mouth. No you idiot she said between kisses giggling the whole while. You can t have sex if you don t know what it feels like yet.



I decided to give her some fodder for these dreams.



A couple weeks later Juniper woke us both when she moaned in her sleep.



What the hell I muttered and wrapped an arm around her.



She snuggled into my chest. I was dreaming with Fen she said sleepily.



My eyes shot open. With him? And he made you moan?



I wanted to see what the fuss was all about. I don t think he s any more devoted to men than you are sugarlips she said kissing me.



Yikes.



Yum she corrected eyes still clothed. He practically has a donkey dick.



Jun! I goosed her and she squeaked. And right after we had such beautiful monkey sex.



Juniper turned and wrapped herself around me. It s nothing you haven t done with him yourself selfish bastard she reminded me. If I can be okay with you being half gay you should be comfortable with me having dream-sex with another man.



Sorry I apologized. She was right but it still made me a little bit grumpy and a bit jealous. I hadn t had a single dream of Fen since I had seen him last fading into the rain just memories which I was terrified of losing.



It just wasn t right. I privately railed at the gods giving me two people to love but yanking me away from each of them in turn. I felt toyed with a plaything of fate. The newspapers had they known would have labeled me a sick tragedy a horrible example of the psychological damage that accompanied victims of the Nitkistani people. Poor little athlete does he really still love his wife or is he putting on a front for the sake of the family who wanted him back so badly? Sad fellow.



Fuck the media. I loved my wife and would never leave her again but there was still a gaping hole in my heart where Fen should have been. At least he was alive or he wouldn t have been having out-of-body sexual relations with my wife. Horny bastard.



It was late in the summer when Juniper came and wrapped her arms around me from behind. I was sitting at the kitchen table attempting to cram a spoonful of yams into the toothless mouth of my niece while my nephew laughed at me.



I have a surprise for you she said placing a kiss under my ear. My niece spat yet another mouthful of gooey yams at me squealing and banging her fists on her seat. Her brother almost had a fit he was laughing so hard. I gave him a glare.



I m a tad bit preoccupied as you can see I responded plastering a goofy grin on my face for the baby.



Juniper leaned across me and wiped said baby s dribbling chin. This is worth it and you ll thank me always she coaxed. This big boy can watch his sister for a moment right?



My nephew crossed his arms and scowled. I like it when Uncle Tam gets spit on.



I ll bet you do I pretended to grumble but let Juniper tug me out to the back porch.



Wait here she instructed running around the corner of the house.



I shook my head. She had been trying for months to replace some of the things that had been destroyed when the Nitkis came for me. She had bought me a hovercar new gravity skates (which were awesome I admit) and had recently been asking me how I felt about a dog. I understood why they were pieces of our life before circumstances had separated us before I began questioning who I was and who I loved. The dog I think was supposed to be a neutral companion for the times when Juniper had to go to the capital for some official business or the like. I didn t do very well on my own.



Juniper had never given up on me and I loved her all the more for it but she didn t seem to understand that gravity skates and a puppy couldn t mend the rift that sat so deep inside me. Sometimes I wanted to tell her to stop trying but I know it made her feel like she was helping me so I let her continue.



I stuck my head inside to remind my nephew that he was supposed to be feeding his sister not smearing food on her face. Where the hell had Juniper gone? The weather was turning warm again and I noticed that I needed to cut the grass. It reminded me of when Fen had tried to teach me self-defense though in retrospect he was probably just reminding me that he could knock me on my ass. My body warmed up recalling the way it throbbed around Fen.



Hey Juniper called.



I turned to see her coming back around the house her figure slight in comparison to the imposing man she pulled with her. His hair tumbled in a loose halo about his face catching the light of the afternoon sun he looked disheveled and leaner and tired but his smile was wide and open. I could feel my own mouth turning up at the corners and Juniper had never looked more pleased with herself.



I leapt from the porch to meet them my heart racing faster than my feet clean humming heat tumbling from my neck down my spine.



Fen!